Dear Tatay

 

Dear Tatay,

I know you are doing ok in heaven last night I have dreamed about you, you told me that you are an peace I am happy to know it, and I am sorry if in times like this I keep on bugging you. Maybe it is because I know that your now residing to our God’s house, perhaps you could able to whisper him all my prayers. I know until now my faith is still shaking, and lot of thing’s in my mind doubt his way, I could not blame my self, and I know that doubt is the great wall that distance my self to Him.

I am human .. I am ashamed to bargain this reason, but I admit I am weak, weaker than any sinner’s in hell, because I lose my faith, I lose the rope, the line, the tie that knots my heart and my soul to God, and so I am asking you coz I know you might be chatting with him now,  perhaps through you I could at least have a shadow to face God, yes a shadow for I cannot let him see how muddy I am, how evil I am that my heart and soul rot to vain.

I want him, I want to reach him, and I don’t know how, for every time I try, I feel like I am drowning back to hell, things happened every time I try to restore my faith, thing’s that cause a huge disappointments, and then I felt betrayed, specially by  God. I often ask where his presence is during my hardship. What does he want me to do so I could get his attention?

I blame him that day, that day when you pass away, I blame him for not sparing your life, I even bargain 5 years of my life, i beg you know… I beg hard so he could prolong your life for 5 more years, but he ignored me, I often ask if I deserve to be ignored. He knows how I have helped other’s, before I see my self as his servant, that each time I see other‘s who needed help, I with out any hesitation lend my hand for them. That was I believed, that if I helped other’s in crucial time, He will grant my plea, but he took you away from me.  So I ask you again, do I deserve to be ignored?

Tatay I am tired to breath, the air smell like sulfur, I miss my life before, when everything’s seems to be ok even I face challenges in life, I miss the way I live my life before… when I was with His caring hand. When he still delighted me, the time when my heart are not full of anger. Can you please help me, just like when you where here with us, please lift me up and help me to face God and reach his hand.

Always missing you,
Your Daughter